Monday, April 23, 2007

A 50-50 shot...

Sometimes in sporting events, when the officiating is all around off, people say “At least their consistent.” I feel similarly.
Practically every part of Paula’s pregnancy has been opposite of what we’ve expected: we thought it was too soon for us to be pregnant – it wasn’t; we didn’t find out she was pregnant at home – we found out in the hospital; morning sickness never happened – Paula was sick at night. And today was the ultimate twist. We were sure we’d be having a boy….if there’s one thing I can say about this child, she’s consistently surprising.
A girl. I am going to be the father of a girl. It’s mind-bottling – when things are crazy and it is like your mind is trapped in a bottle. There’s no disappointment, none at all. There is what might qualify as stunned disbelief. I feel as though my margin of error in child-rearing has shrunk dramatically. Before this revelation via Lisa the sonographer I was just excited to be a dad; now, I’m excited and nervous and worried and cautious and more and more aghast at how little clothing women wear. That’s someone’s daughter, for crying out loud!
It was an incredible experience to see the little one on the ultrasound; she was laying on her back and we saw a perfect profile, with beautiful little legs and toes and fingers; her seeing her nose close up was when I knew we were having a girl. I know that is ridiculous, since even after a baby is born you really can’t tell if it’s a boy or girl, but something about the profile of that face made me sure it was a girl. She’s real and little and perfect.
I don’t know if I’m qualified to raise a girl…that’s not entirely true because I feel one of the major influences in my life has been family; however, there is a certain amount of angst that clutches at my heart. How can I, someone so imperfect and flawed and lacking be trust with such a precious little child sent from our Heavenly Father? How can I comfort her when she’s hurt by harsh words? What if they are my harsh words? What if she is wonderful and beautiful and smart and funny? What if she’s not? How do I help her understand that just because all the other girls have serious boyfriends that she shouldn’t? How do I let her know I love her when she’s done something wrong? What do I do if she rebels?
I don’t know. I think there’s only one Parent that does. And, knowing that and that He knows me and is willing to help when I ask and teach when I don’t know…it bestows upon my anxious heart a degree of peace because I know Paula and I won’t be alone in this. And that’s awesome, in the truest and purest sense of the word.
In summary, I’m the proud father of a little (and by little I mean 10in, 10oz) girl. It’s going to be incredible and my already outnumbered X chromosome is going to really have its back against the ropes. But not to worry, little buddy, because we may bend but we shall not break. The room may be pink or purple; the toys may be dolls; the clothes may be frilly. But even so, this one thing shall not change – I’ll find a way to incorporate Cougar blue.


Ms. Roberts said...

I couldn't be more excited for you Logan. She'll be wonderful, you'll be wonderful, Paula will be will all work out. Plus, I'm here for her, too! (that's suppose to be a comfort, not an added stress)

Mama Miriam said...

There you go, making me cry again.
That was a beautiful post. And amen to Rachell's comment.
Congratulations, Papa Roberts. You will be a wonderful father for that little girl of yours.

Ms. Roberts said...

p.s. cool template.

Nathan and Lindsay said...

It's been 17 whole days since you posted this one. Where are you? I miss you!