Thursday, February 23, 2006

The Asian Phenomenon

There are not very many givens in this mortal existence. The cliché about death and taxes is accurate; I suppose there are a couple of other things you could throw in there like Will Ferrell being funny and Alec Baldwin being a raving lunatic. But anything else is a stereotype. Almost everything.
Thanks to the alertness of myself and the astute observations made by some of my associates, another given concerns the individuals that make up our commuters here in the greater Atlanta area.
As I weave through traffic on 285, making my way onto Peachtree Industrial Boulevard and merging onto Peachtree Corners Circle, I pull into the fast lane (because that’s where I live my life, much like Don Henley).
“What the….!!!” I yell, slamming on the brakes in my classic vintage Buick, immediately regretting I never hearkened to the constant naggings concerning the virtues of wearing a seatbelt (i.e., living). This thought is followed by another concerning the cursing I just did in my head and wondering if anything said in the split seconds before death is counted at the judgment or if I can get a mulligan.
With the smell of burning rubber overcoming my olfactory and the relief of realizing I have another day left to procrastinate my repentance, I look more closely as the perpetrator of my sudden new-found appreciation for life.
Toyota Camry.
Can barely see the cranium of the driver.
Just as 1+1=2, the two factors equal the greatest menace our roads have ever seen.
Asian women drivers.
I’m telling the truth.
I’m not a racist; I support no bigotry; never in my administration have I condoned such acts. My track record speaks for itself and I stand by it.
Researchers don’t know what causes this phenomenon and their two random theories as of yet have no substantial evidence to support the claim.
The MSG Theory: The overwhelming amount of MSG used by Asian’s in their food creates a lapse in the synapses, producing a delusional visualization of moving faster than is actually the case.
The Humor Theory: Asian women can tell these side-splitting stories at nail salon’s about the sheer terror seen in the eyes of their victims though the rearview mirror during these events.
So, until scientists can find a cure for this unfortunate phenomenon, just beware when you see a car whose manufacturer came from any country with oceanfront property on the Pacific’s Westside, you can’t see the driver because their head doesn’t rise above the seat and they are going 2mph in a 45. Don’t hate, just get in the other lane ASAP and wave to the little Asian woman as you pass her at a relative warp speed. And say a little prayer for her. (Go ahead, break into the song...You know you want to.)


Anonymous said...

This one made me laugh out loud.

Benjamin Roberts said...

freakin awesome dude!