Manrific

In perhaps the greatest film of any generation in the past million years, the Oscar caliber performer Will Ferrell spoke these immortal words through his immortal character Ron Burgundy:

“I'm a man discovered the wheel, and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal, and brawn. That's what kind of man I am."

Such words of wisdom resonate with crystal clarity throughout all of mandom, eloquently echoing a timeless truth about the essence of man: wise, proud, strong. Over the course of time and through happenstances of recent events, I have turned to the wisdom of Ron Burgundy to get me through the many tough times. A veritable treasure trove of insights into the intimate details of life, Mr. Burgundy’s wisdom can is practical enough for the minutia of everyday life, yet profound enough to use when delicate and fragile moments of life confront us and we are found wanting. I share some of these things with you now.
When…

Advice you are given is sound: You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair.
First approaching an attractive woman: I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.
Trying to impress a lady: I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
You’ve lost an argument but don’t want to lose face: Agree to disagree.
A friend has killed someone (particularly with a trident): I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.
Making idle threats: I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head.
You’ve had a bad day: The human torch was denied a bank loan. Intimidating a would-be attacker: If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary ready for ya. You want to end a conversation and split: When in Rome.
A serious issue is brought up you want to sweep under the rug: I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke! I even wrote it down in my diary – [Person’s name] had a very funny joke today. I laughed about it later that night!

Needless to say, this wisdom is universal, omnipresent can be used in diverse ways. A great burden has been taken from me now that I know this is available for everyone. So, in parting, I’ve one thing to say:
You stay classy, Planet Earth.