Monday, January 30, 2006

Worthless Organ

What is an appendix anyway? Seriously. Nobody really knows. According to “Experts do not fully understand the purpose of the appendix” I’ll tell you what the purpose of an appendix is: to keep me up all night, make me miserable and put me in debt. That’s what happened a week ago.
WARNING: The following contains graphic bowel related imagery.
Some intense stomach pains started midday at work last Monday and continued into the night. I thought it was my colon, some stoppage known medically as constipation. Constipation occurs when bowel movements become difficult or less frequent. Going longer than three days without a bowel movement is too long. After three days, the stool or feces become harder and more difficult to pass. Some symptoms of this painful problem are: infrequent and/or difficulty having bowel movements; swollen abdomen or abdominal pain; pain; vomiting. As the night wore on, check, check, check and check.
Paula (bless her beautiful heart and hot little bod) gave up the comforts of her bed at home, came over to the apartment and stayed the entire night, making late night trips for some fluids (Powerade), sick food (saltines), and medicine. I asked her to pick up some laxatives and she did. Paula – with my comfort in mind – found the box sporting the fastest relief time and bought it; however, there was a tricky little word on the box: suppository.
A suppository is taken by being inserted up into the rectum; in this case, Dulcolax was the laxative designed to stimulate the bowel muscles while also accumulating water in the intestines. The effect is to both soften the stool and to make it pass through more quickly.
This was a unique experience, having never had anything inserted in my rectum before. I went into the bathroom, took a deep breath, bent over and took it up the tailpipe. After 5-10 minutes, it did its job. Wahoo!
But not really; the pain continued through the morning. So, we went to the doctor, he ran some tests, yada yada yada, 7:30 that night I’m going under the knife. For the first time in over a quarter century. Just in the four month window when I’m not insured. Sweet. Worthless organ.


Anonymous said...

now you know that the organ is not is,in fact, worth more than 16 grand. if that organ is worth that much...just think of what your total worth must be when you throw in all those other ones!

Anonymous said...

i think i mite need mine removed because i have been having pain in my side for a couple of days now I'm not sure whether Ive broke a rib I'm not sure. the pain is in my right side near the bottom, can you tell if i need it removed or not ? (the appendix)